I can sit here and list off all the restaurants I sold my soul to in college and you’re still going to roll your eyes and daydream about my head exploding because I’m just a high maintenance bitch with some annoying sense of entitlement. So let’s just skip right through that.
1. I don’t care what it is, the first thing you bring me needs to be fast. Water, bread basket, complimentary crayons, whatever. Just get it in my hands so I can like you.
2. Don’t ask me if I need change. Unless I look like a person who was raised by wolves , recently rescued and this is my first attempt at assimilating back into society, I won’t forget that I need to tip you. I will, however, be less inclined to tip you if you have to ask. Just do your job.
3. Napkins. Always bring me napkins. If all I order is a large water with a lime and a frilly toothpick, bring me a napkin. Maybe I want to rest my lime on it until I’m ready to acquire my lime’s delicious, citrus nectar. Don’t rob me of that.
4. Do I look like Oprah? Then I don’t want to hear about your life. Unless I ask or you do something incredibly interesting in your spare time like train komodo dragons to eat sushi with bamboo chopsticks. (In which case you better have photos.)
5. I get this grunge look that hipsters have stolen from rockers and modified into something stylish is a thing. But you’re at work. Be professional. At least make sure the shirt you have on is clean and your hair is pulled back. You might think that calabrian orange, woods and patchouli perfume oil works as a great alternative to shower. It doesn’t. And it’s making me itchy.
It’s amazing how a good or bad server can drastically change the mood of an outing. And you know this because it’s not like you don’t go to restaurants, too. So as a former server and to current servers, I don’t need to be entertained, I just need my Stella cold and for you not to be stingy with the napkins.