What kind of liar are you?

There are many kinds of lies.

There are white lies, lies about lies, omissions, lies we tell children, lies we tell ourselves, butler lies, fake sarcasm lies.

Lies we tell children

These seem to be the type of lies most people are comfortable with. In some cases, you can be labeled downright deranged if you don’t keep up the lies everyone has agreed on. Like you would never tell a small child who isn’t yours that Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Unless said child has been non-stop screaming and kicking the back of your seat on a 4-hour flight. Then it’s war. Another thing we lie to children about is death. Death is an incredibly difficult concept to process. Even some adults never figure it out. It can be especially hard to decide if a pet goes to heaven. Thankfully, the Pope is working on clearing that up. In the meantime, here’s a shoutout to all the dead pets believed to be living on a farm. RIP.

White lies

People who tell these lies think of them like they think tasting a grape at the supermarket isn’t stealing. Generally, these lies are small but I guess that’s all relative anyway. Small to some can mean lying about your age, while small to others can be hiding the fact that they stalked you for three months and that’s how you casually met at your favorite bar. These lies are the gateway lies. They can lead to lies about lies and lies about truths that didn’t make sense with our other lies. Some people would argue these lies can save lives or potentially make life more pleasant for everyone before they die. The lies can be useful if used only in emergencies and sparingly.

Lies about lies

These lies can be breakthrough lies or they can be asphyxiating lies. When some people reach this point, it’s like their rock bottom. Other people are just too lazy to remember lies this much. That’s right. We can thank everyone’s inherent laziness for much of the honesty in the world. People who can keep up with this many lies should write a book because they’re clearly wasting their imagination on trivial things. They could write a book about a person who tells lies about lies and then that will get turned into a Netflix drama series and we’ll all be forced to watch it with friends while secretly wondering what they lie to us about and trying not to look suspicious when we think about the things we’ve lied to them about. It will be a hit! Lies about lies are like Pringles.


These are one of my favorite kind of lies because they’re so hotly contested. The people who don’t believe lying by omission is lying, haven’t been screwed by a used car salesmen yet. Lying by omission can seem harmless but you won’t know until the facts come to light if they ever do. This type of lying is very popular in soap operas and shitty tv dramas where entire seasons are focused on someone knowing something very important that this other person doesn’t know. You know what series I’m talking about. These lies are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.

Lying to yourself

Sartre coined this type of lie “Bad Faith” which involves self-deception. Lying to yourself can be the best thing you ever do or it can be the worst. Everyone does this. If they tell you they don’t, they’re lying. Just a regular lie though. Some people use this type of lie to create confidence. Some people don’t realize they’re lying to themselves and miss out on big opportunities.  We’ve all done this – unless you’re a soulless, egotistical prick that thinks you can do anything. People like to say, believe in yourself. I like to think, don’t believe in yourself. Instead, just believe yourself. Then, always tell yourself you’re awesome. These lies can cause greatness or can cause great damage. Proceed with awareness.

Butler lies

These lies are babies. Communications professors at Cornell University coined the term just a few years ago in honor of butlers who used to do this type of lying for you. Or like when you would make your mom answer the phone for you and say you weren’t there as to avoid talking to someone. Now we use them more commonly when we communicate electronically. Examples include texts messages saying: I’m on my way!, Sorry. Just saw your message., I didn’t receive a call from you, weird., I would love to but I already have plans., I’m at the gym!

Fake sarcasm lies

“Yea, I ate alllll the pizza myself lol.” We know. We know you did it. We’re laughing, but we know. Just stop it.

Undoubtedly, there are more lies than this. Personally, I think lies you tell your employer should be called Lie Taxes because taxes are mandatory and lies you tell your employer can sometimes be mandatory to keep your job. No one would have a job if they hadn’t done this at least once. Don’t lie to yourself.

Anyway, we’d all love to believe we’re super honest people. But let’s face it. We all lie. It just depends what kind of liar you are.


To less improvident actions

I spent a lot of time thinking about the word improvident the other day. Ironically.

There are a number of things we collectively seem to do mindlessly. Drunk driving. Hitting the snooze button. Tying our shoes. Saying, “How are you?” when we don’t mean it. Having children.

So what are we thinking about?

According to the American Time Use Survey released by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, we’re not.

Naturally, we spend a good chunk of our time working. Employed persons work an average of 7.7 hours on the days they work, reports the BLS. They don’t cover sleep, but I’m guessing we’re all aware it’s generally the second longest thing we do all day.

For most people, that’s half the day. Gone.

But let’s try to stay positive and think of the glass being half full. And if you’re a realist then go ahead and say it’s half empty but at least pretend it’s vodka so there can be an up side.

The rest of the day is generally split among household activities, leisure activities and/or childcare.

The BLS lists leisure activities such as watching TV, socializing, and exercising. They report that on an average day, nearly everyone aged 15 and over engages in some sort of leisure activity. That’s 96 percent. So you can safely bet that pretty much everyone you know, either watches something, talks to someone, or engages in physical activity each day.

Well now that’s not so bad. I made it sound pretty mundane with work and sleep taking up half your day right? But now you have other fun stuff to look forward to.

Except, watching TV was the leisure activity that occupied the most time, 2.8 hours per day, accounting for about half of leisure time, on average, for those age 15 and over, reports BLS.


And it hasn’t moved over the years. It’s been that way since 2003, with a slight drop in 2011 to 2.7 hours per day but raised again in 2012.

Now you’re probably nodding your head and saying something like, “That, and fried twinkies are what’s wrong with this country.”

That’s kind of what I thought too. But what if I were to tell you that a recent Gallop poll reports 55 percent of Americans turn to television as their main source of news?

In 2012 the United States saw a 17 point increase in voter turnout rate compared to the 2010 General Election Turnout Rates. I’ve been looking for stats on recorded protests in the U.S. in 2012 but haven’t managed to track any down.  I still have a feeling it’s higher than years past.

I will forever mourn the days when people read more and talked more about ideas with one another. But I’m going to be an idealist for a moment and actually suggest that maybe we are thinking more as a society. Yes, we’re staring at screens a lot, but we’re also more outspoken. Through voting and protesting and stirring up a ruckus on Twitter, it seems we’re at least starting to care more about the world around us and that means we’re thinking.

Here’s to less improvident actions.


An explanation of my first 5 seconds of consciousness

On the weekends I have more time to contemplate how much I hate being woken up in the wrong way.

To most people my ailment might bear the same characteristics of the minor discomfort they too feel each morning. But for me, it is much more than that.

It’s an irrational feeling of abandonment in my most vulnerable moment that catalyzes disdain, anger and vengeance . The emotions that feel like they’re erupting from my chest and seeping into my arms and head are so loud and bright I have to squeeze my eyes tightly just to get through it.

My body declares war against the transgressor. She convinces me this is treason, punishable by things I can’t even summon in my mind yet because I’m barely processing how to walk again.

If the body didn’t need it, I think I would rather not sleep. Maybe once a month.

When you’re a child, fairytales and magic are promised in dreams. That’s where they live and you can only visit. That’s why babies giggle so much and their cheeks are so rosy. Happy dreams are an elixir and children are drunk all the time.

But just like healthcare, it all gets taken away or changes when you’re around 25.

You’re dreams are more often nightmares, if you can remember them at all. I had an incredible imagination as a child and its evil sister reigns over my sleep-thoughts now. Lately she’s been incredibly stressful and if my dreams were really a person, I would have taken out a restraining order already.

Every morning is different. It’s like getting off of a plane and not knowing what awaits me at baggage claim. The suitcase could be full of sadness, of loss. Or it could just be discomfort. I really hate that one.

I know I can’t have it both ways. Mornings can either be mundane or exciting. At least this way it’s always different and I start the day with an acute self awareness.

Maybe that’s really why I’m so picky about how I’m woken up. Because those first moments of consciousness out from under duress are like rain on the skin or gasping for air. I want to have enough time to process what has just happened to me without getting swept up in where my other sock went or how late I am.

I think those close to me will still picture the head on the cave of wonders when they wake me up. But if anyone else exhibits these symptoms upon waking, you’re not alone.